You Might Be a Redneck Wizard If
by PhantomKat
Summary: The title pretty much says it all.  A radio broadcast lets a wizard know just how much of a redneck he really is.


**Okay this is a little something I wrote a while back, and I hope you like it. I don't own Garth Brooks, Brooks and Dunn, or Redneck Jokes. So, reviews are appreciated and enjoy! **

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The summer could not get any better for Larry. He was sitting outside his house with a butterbeer in one hand and his hunting dog, Bandit, by his side. Besides the sounds of the forest around them, the sounds of a radio filled the air. A Garth Brooks song ended and a chipper sounding announcer reintroduced their guest for the day. Larry smiled. He liked listening to the Muggle radio; most of their news amused him. Like just last week, there was a news story about a crook that got stuck in an air vent. Of course, Larry knew that the would-be crook was probably Jeff Mitchell, he always had trouble apparating. He was broken out of his musings by the guest starting his act.

"Today I thought I might do another redneck list."

Larry's grin grew wider. These lists were always amusing.

"In response to the Harry Potter series that's sweeping the nation, this week's list is called you might be a redneck wizard."

If only the Muggles knew that the books were true and not a figment of a writer's over active imagination. Larry settled back into his seat to see what the man had to say, and see how much was true.

"Alrighty. You might be a redneck wizard if…

…You say, "Hey y'all, hold my pumpkin juice and watch this!"

…You say, "Spellotape won't fix that, but duct tape will"

…Instead of getting Howlers, you get singing bass fish.

…Outside the dorm there would be a broomstick on cinderblocks.

…It's not a flying Ford Angelia, it's a flying Ford pickup.

…You think the last words to the final words of the Hogwarts song are "Ladies and Gentlemen, mount your brooms."

…You've ridden on a magical floor buffer.

…You cut the grass outside of your dorm or house and find a flying car or a broom.

…You stare at your textbook because it says 'concentrate'.

…You have more than three singing dragons or singing bass fish in your dorm.

…You try to get NASCAR changed to the universal wizarding sport.

…You stay with your son in the same dorm, only because you're in the same year.

…You believe that wands don't kill people, husbands that come home early do.

…You think fast food is hitting a dragon at 80 miles an hour on your broomstick.

…You have a gun rack on your broomstick.

…At least one of your cloaks has a camouflage pattern.

…First year was the best 5 years of your life.

…You consider a butterbeer and a bug zapper high quality entertainment.

…You own a homemade fur/dragon skin cloak

…You've totaled every broomstick you've owned

…You were once to drunk to walk home, so you flew home.

…A museum curator once offered to buy seven of the broomsticks on cinderblocks in your yard.

…You've ever apparated to a yard sale or flea market.

…Instead of an owl you've got a hunting dog.

…You have five broomsticks that are immobile and a house that is.

…The tires on your flying truck are either all different sizes or huge.

…You make a larger than life-sized statue out of empty butterbeer cans.

…Your broomstick is stuck together with duct tape.

…You have a flannel cloak with the sleeves ripped off.

…You've ever blasted spam with your wand to cook it.

…You have fuzzy dice on your broom handle.

…Even when it's not Christmas there are Christmas lights all over your house and broom.

…You think Pumpkin Pasties and six-packs are two major food groups.

…You have antlers on your broom handle.

…You wear a cowboy or baseball cap instead of a pointed hat.

…A lawn ornament means a Shooting Star or a Cleansweep.

…The biggest fashion problem you have is what plaid flannel cloak to wear to the Yule Ball

…You have a ball cap for special occasions, like the Yule Ball.

…You wear overalls underneath your cloak.

…You and your mom have the same classes.

…When you can't fly or apparate you drive your tractor.

…You've made a can holder for your broom so you can drink and fly at the same time.

…You've been arrested for FWI-Flying While Intoxicated.

…You've been arrested for ADWI-Apparating or Disapparating While Intoxicated.

…You've introduced others to the sporting event of a broom pull.

…Your broom has mud flaps.

…Your spells end with "Git 'er done!"

…You think rebooting your machine means to kick your broom when it won't start.

…You get all your school supplies at flea markets or K-mart.

…Trolls are offended by your B.O.

…You refer to You-Know-Who and his followers as 'them darn Yankees'.

…You organized Hogwarts' first yard sale.

…You got in a fistfight at said yard sale.

…There are thirteen owls on your roof and you only have papers for one.

…You've tried to convince people that a bowling league would be more fun than Dueling Club.

…When told that someone is 'out of your league' you assume that it means that the person does not bowl in afore said bowling league.

…You tried to brew your own beer in Potions class.

…You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name in the alley behind the Leaky Cauldron.

…You think the Leaky Cauldron refers to something in your bathroom.

…You can belch and perform a spell at the same time.

…You've ever accidentally shot a friend because they turned into an Animagus.

…You're the only one in the Leaky Cauldron drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks.

…You have ever tried anything you saw in Smokey and the Bandit in your flying car.

…You've ever personally stuffed a Niffler and it now sits at a place of honour in your house.

And if you are guilty of all of these, then you most definitely are a redneck wizard."

"Thanks for that Jeff, and to all of you tuning in next up we have the new single from Brooks and Dunn. So keep listening."

Bandit let out a small whine while Larry went over the list in his mind and mentally checked off every item.

"Mite dang."

He was guilty of everything, right down to the Niffler proudly displayed on his mantle. _This calls for a celebration_, he thought as he went off in search of some firewhiskey and he avoided the many owl droppings from the many owls on his roof.


End file.
